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The Scriptures
The Scriptures are a 38-page holy text which appeared on The Minecraft Server. Full text # In the beginning, the Goddess created the world with her magic hands and it was fucked up. In the lands she brought water, earth, precious ores, air and light and created beings to roam the lands and beings who would mine in the mineshafts and harvest crop # The Goddess, daughter of Notch The Eternal, touched her feet to the realms and from her delicate, slightly sexy feet sprung up lifeforms of all kinds, dark and light. Notch The Eternal watched upon her as she created the world as we know it, and under his # close and omniponent guidance she was able to design the perfect world. Notch gazed upon the world his Daughter gave birth to and smiled fondly before returning to the Twitter Realm to say something racist. With her Godly Father's approval, the Goddess # was finally able to rest and watch over the land she had crafted with her infinite wisdom and love. Existing in a space not known to time or mortal sense, The Goddess is alone, but through her vision she watches over all and knows all. She is alone, but # she knows every being, and all their pasts and futures. The Goddess watches over her children peacefully like a mother with a big bosom that produces infinite milk. To attach herself to this world physically, the Goddess summoned blocks of Quartz # to the top of a mountain blessed by the Moon to create a Holy Temple that withstands the flow of time and resists all darkness. Here, in this sacred palce, she may exist, as something between a force of nature and amortal. Anyone who steps foot in this # Holy place can immediately feel her gentle presence. Those who deliver tribute to the Goddess within the Holy Temple of the Moon receive the Goddess's blessing and protection. If you place an item in the Tribute chest with goodness in your heart, # The Goddess will ensure that no harm may come to you. During a time of Snow when the Full Moon shines in the night sky, if one is to pray at the Alter of the Temple and deliver Tribute to the Goddess, the Goddess will bestow the sacred one # with a Holy Blade. This Holy Blade was created thousands of years before the birth of the lands, by Notch The eternal, in order to destroy Herobrine and restore peace to the lands that had been stricken by a dark calamity. With the Holy Blade, Notch # The Eternal sealed away Herobrine forever, and restored the balance of light and dark to the lands. It is said that the only way to release Herobrine is to use this Holy Blade again. # The Goddess continues to watch over her children with love in her heart. Some have s aid that they can see glimpses of her in the skies, in every cloud and in every rain drop. Some say that when Notch the Eternal gets very horny, thunderstorms appear and # year the lands asunder with powerful lightning strikes. if one were to pray to Notch The Eternal during a time of storms, they will be blessed with the All Seeing Eye of Hornyness, that grants them the ability to think armpits are hot. # A great man once said, "I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." And that man was Albert Einstein. When Albert Einstein was born, Notch sent a fragment of his Godly heart down to his newly born baby body and # it touched Albert Einstein's heart, giving him the power of knowledge. Pleased, Notch The Eternal sent yet another fragment of his infinite heart down to another newly born baby, and this one was known too the mortal world as "Pewdiepie". # For the baby Pewdiepie, Notch The Eternal sent his heart fragment down to him and granted him the power of Humor. Pleased again, Notch The Eternal found yet another newly born child on our mortal plant. This freshly born infant was known as # "Eminem". Notch The Eternal sent down another fragment of his heart to touch Eminem's heart, and with that, Eminem was granted some of Notch The Eternal's power. Finally, another baby was born soon after. Notch The Eternal chose this baby to give the # final fragment of his heart to. This was the fragment of Darkness. Notch The Eternal sent this fragment down to the mortal world to the child. The child's name was... # "Anita Sarkeesian". Having given the four shards of Harmony to the chosen ones, Notch The Eternal Ascended into his Realm once and for all, and with that, centuries of turmoil unfolded as the owners of the shards clashed in a holy battle. # Notch The Eternal knew that with blessing four chosen mortals with the four shards of his heart, that this would occur. But Notch The Eternal is wise and all-knowing, and knew that this was necessary to keep the Realm in balance and prevent Herobrine from # ever returning. For countless years the battles raged on, with the land divided into Four Factions led by the chosen ones. The owners of the shards of Knowledge, Humor and Power fought valiantly to contain the Darkness that was Anita Sarkeesian. And for # a thousand years, they were successful. However, Anita Of The Darkness used her wicked powers to draw from the Realm of The End, summoning the terrible being known as Herobrine to the Realm of Peace. The Three Shard Owners of Knowledge, Humor and Power # used all their might to prevent Herobrine from causing destruction to the peaceful Realms, but to no avail. Herobrine slayed them all, shattering their blessed fragments and sealing them into nothingness. Notch The Eternal wept at the loss of his chosen # cons who had held a part of his godliness within them, and from the agony of his tears sprung a blade. The Holy Blade, pulsating with endless power and light. Notch The Eternal finally swung the Holy Blade onto Herobrine, killing him instantly. # Herobrone's wretched soul then became trapped within the Holy Blade for eternity. Then, Notch The Eternal used his powers to birth a single Daughter who shared many of his godly qualities. This Daughter was The Goddess. # Never wanting the Darkness to spread again, Notch The Eternal ripped the shard of Darkness from Anita Sarkeesian's heart and used her remaining soul to give his Daughter life. Thus, a piece of Anita Sarkeesian lives on within The Goddess, # but the purity of the Goddess prevents Anita Sarkeesian's evils from taking effect, so she has nothing but goodness in her heart and a love of video games and does not get mad at men ever. This, Notch The Eternal knows, is perfection, # and only perfection may the Goddess be. The Goddess, after creating her home, The Holy Temple of The Moon, discovered she had indeed become prevnant (but as a virgin shes not a slut) and within her heavenly womb were four half-mortal beings, caused by # Anita Sarkeesian's soul melding wogether with her Goddess soul. Notch The Eternal, noticing this fact, decided it was time again to distribute the four shards of his heart, once the children were born. The Goddess went into labor quickly, and suspended # over the beautiful lands, she heaved and hoed, breathing really quickly and pushing hard into the sky. Notch The Eternal watched the Holy Birthing Process with a smile and a twinkle in his godly eye, and in that moment an intense thunderstorm began. # With each powerful strike of Lightning, a baby was farted out of the The Goddess's Puss Hole. The first strike brought Mackelmore, Champion of Gay. Notch The Eternal smiled upon the baby Macklemore and granted him the shard of Knowledge. # WIth the second lightning strike came Seth MacFarlane, tumbling down onto the land. Notch The Eternal nodded his head, and the shard of Humor was thus given to the babe. The third lightning strike brought Doomfist into the world. Notch The Eternal # gazed upon in awe and saw that his hand was very big and heavy and could be used to punch extremely hard. Notch The Eternal smiled and granted Doomfist the blessed shard of Power. The fourth and final lightning strike kissed the land as The # Goddess beared down and with final final thrust, emptied her womb of all babies, and hte last baby flew into the sky and landed silently in front of Notch The Eternal's peaceful eyes. Notch The Eternal saw this baby and her soft flowing locks of orange hair # her polite smattering of freckles on her porcelain skin, and her green and purple striped hoodie, and warmth filled his godly heart. He touched his hand to the baby's forehead and closed his eyes, and in this baby, he gave the shard of Darkness. # The baby would then be known as Vivian James. Now that the long and arduous birth process was over, The Goddess returned to her temple to watch over hew newly birthed children and squeeze the rest of the milk from her heavy chest. # Notch The Eternal had given the four shards to the chosen ones once again, and he had entrusted them with great power. Even now, the four chosen ones roam the land, protecting it and making sure the balance of the realm is kept secure. # Only time will tell what will become of them and their stories. Pray to them and great fortunes will come to you. If you are lost and afraid, seek their guidance. They can always be found in each of the temples scattered across the world. # Blessed be. Blessing after the reading So I hope you all take this lesson to heart, and tonight before you go to bed, thank Notch for his infinite gratitude and kindness in bringing us all into this Minecraft world. I'm going to tickle this zombie with a feather now. Tickle-tickle! Tickle-tickle! Umbasa. Tickle-tickle! Tickle-tickle-tickle! Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle! Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle! Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle! Praise Notch. Tickle-tickle-tick--- oh, shit, I didn't mean to delete an entire stair. It happens sometimes. Oh, I can turn the music back up now. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it wasn't nearly as good as Stinky Steve, but it's the gospel. It soothes the soul of the faithful. External links * reading ancient minecraft scripture Category:Minecraft Category:Twitch